This is a short one. And fear not, those are not my tears. I am not great at crying.
For some reasons people feel quite comfortable crying in my presense, and to be honestly, I hate that.
They tell me it’s a problem for them. They tell me it’s great that I don’t judge them. Oh no, I don’t. I just hate it. I know I should not hate it, but I do.
I envy their tears. I envy that they were able to just bawl. Not only that they are able to let their emotions out, but also that they somehow feel safe enough to do that. I know they prefer if they didn’t cry in public, but it’s uncontrollable; whereas I am just so fucking in control.
I also hate it because I feel the weight of their tears and despair, despite it being none of my business. I felt robbed of space to house for my own despair as I see tears running down their cheeks. It is not fair.
Once again it’s my fault that I did not communicate my boundaries. I did not tell them I can’t play this role for them because I am barely together. I seem OK. I seem like I am able to handle their emotions. I seem some way when I am not. It’s a façade.
Would you stop reminding of what I can’t?