Content warning: on life.
A few days ago I woke up in a very depressive mood. I knew it was going to be a bad day in that my mind will be pre-occupied with thoughts, so I posted on Instagram asking my friends if they’d tell me something nice. Anything at all. They didn’t have to be compliments.
I received a lot of supportive words, a few animal pictures, some compliments, and a few strangers told me how I inspired them; it was all very nice. And I am really really glad that I have this network of support, when I badly needed it.
Nevertheless, I want to talk about the idea of “giving up”.
As previously mentioned, I don’t see ending one’s life as giving up. Some of the messages (very nice, well-intended ones) I received walked along the lines of “life is beautiful, there are so many possibilities”, “you have so much potential to make wonderful things happen”, et cetera. And these specifically, really rubbed me the wrong way.
I don’t deny that the universe is fascinating. I am a very curious person; as a new friend recently said, “you ask a lot of questions.” I fully recognize that there are people who appreciate my work and contributions. I see that there are things, even “good” things that I can and want to do.
However, if you were inside my brain, you’d see how unbearable living can be sometimes. My continued existence takes a toll that sometimes frankly I just can’t afford.
The things that drains the life out of me can not be replenished by the wonders of the world. Much like the renewable energy problem the world faces now–we can generate a ton of solar energy, but storage is limited, the mineral and spatial resource needed to create storage is also limited; so the batteries get drained quickly given how little we can store.
I am trying to fix the storage and consumption problem, but just please know that it is not that I have no where to spend my energy. I am plenty curious and find life to be full of wonders, while at the same time, given that running on fumes is my constant state, it is exhausting.
“Life isn’t worth it” is a demand/supply problem. Your body might need to hydrate, but you might simply be incapable to afford clean water. This demand can be mental and/or physical.
So putting an end to this is desirable, because the status quo is surviving instead of living. It is not giving up. It is not cowardice. It is not selfish. I am not bored.
Life is optional and exhausting, and I am not indifferent to the wonders of the world or the people around me, but I am indifferent to living.