Berlin, postscript
The following topics are in the note I put down for this blog post about a month ago. I'll quickly explain them since I have lost most of the context.
Content warning: depression related
Psychology
I made a friend in Berlin who is studying psychology and developed a VR self-counseling app. I tried it. It was somewhat effective. I want to try and build a web app with just video recordings.
I was able to talk about psychology and philosophy with most people I met there, and the topics weren't seem as heavy subjects. Just everyday things that everyone goes through. That was quite refreshing.
Nihilism
I have had to explain this a few times. There must be a name for this since it's highly unlikely that I came up with this original thought. Please let me know–The gist is, me having feelings about things or people has nothing in conflict with my nihilistic belief. In the philosophical sense, nothing matters, but neurons, feelings, consciousness, etc., do exist. I wish there's a way to cut them off with the will of a philosophical belief. But there isn't.
Mu-An's (Jones)town
What if I can gather up all my friends who also have a death wish to all help each other out? I can make a religion out of this.
Berlin, a good time
First order of priority, I want to ease your minds by saying that despite all the things I said in Update, I prevailed. Berlin was a great time.
All my friends there have been wonderful pillars of support. I did not once feel alone or scared since the initial weeks, which was in part just an adjustment period.
In the first week, I battled with the loud street noises and the jetlag plus my insomnia. I also took my first German lesson completely in German, and it shattered my confidence.
I should have expected that things will take time. I did expect to have to lean on my friends, but not that much; which is OK. That's the whole point of experimenting, so I can find out.
My German tutor and I had very chill lessons speaking in German and English just about life, hobbies, philosophy, literature, and politics even. We met 3 times a week, and got along quite well. One of my German friends is slightly upset with how quickly I progressed in just two months. シ
I made quite a lot of friends by happenstances. I found a pottery studio nearby where I clocked in perhaps 30 hours in the last month, and made friends there too.
My local friends met up with me and introduced me to their friends. Everyone was great. Seriously. We can amicably disagree on things, dive deep but also have light-hearted conversations. It was so easy. Not saying we are all lifelong friends now and will hang out constantly in the future. But good times were shared, stimulating conversations were had. What more can one ask for?
Due to the geolocation convenience, I was also able to connect with a lot of people in tech, met with previously online tech friends, and got more involved in Web Standards once again. I have decided to not seek full-time employment to keep my options and focus flexible, and to work on things that I stubbornly want to invest my time in, which is HTML and accessibility.
At the end of the two months, Berlin friends started to ask me "so, what's the verdict?" Without thinking too much, I said "No, it was great and all. But the cost is too high. I am going back to Taiwan and adopt a cat or two." They found it puzzling, and me too; it wasn't a great answer. These two months in Berlin was an experiment, and a successful one at that. How come I ended up deciding my hypothesis was incorrect? It wasn't perfect, sure. But logically, it is a step towards the right direction..., and deserves further expertimentations, right?
Right. I think.
It's good to try things. All new experiences are good experiences. It's a process of elimination. I can afford to fail.
I have decided to try to pursue an arrangement of living in Berlin part-time, which involves purchasing a second apartment so the adjustment period would be less debilitating. I am fully aware of how extremely lucky I am to have this privilege.
Some friends had pointed out that this might not be the best financial decision, but at the end of the day, it's better for me to gain short term happiness than to stay in long term depression.
So... wish me luck? :)