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April 23, 2024
Liked ♥︎.Like? 因為特別到榮總做了睡眠檢查，必須約榮總的精神科醫師，不然我實在一點也不想要看新的醫生。但還好運氣很好，選到溫文的張英杰醫師。醫生讓我打破砂鍋問到底，每個藥的作用都跟我解釋，也提出自己看的研究報告給我參考。甚至預料到我想帶報告回家自己研究的心。推薦給大家（？）。
In the end the sleep analysis only confirmed that my insomnia is not caused by any of the common sleep disorders. As expected, the report showed that I woke up a bunch of times (I recalled only once) and spent 85% of the sleep duration in N2, reduced REM and severe lack of deep sleep. Likely why I have been easily awaken.
He said it seems like my primary doctor has tried two kinds of meds for this. There’s a third kind but it remains to be seen if the first kind works because it was communicated to me as an emergency only pill.
I guess I hereby declare this an emergency after a streak of choppy 3.5 hours nights of sleep.
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April 23, 2024
Liked ♥︎.Like? Friend: How does it make you feel?
Me: Nothing really. I’m indifferent about most things now.
Friend: Wishing you more difference about things. Not sure if there’s a word like that but… yeah I wish it.“I steered clear of anything that might pique my intellect or make me envious or anxious.”
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April 22, 2024
Liked ♥︎.Like? Belfast (2021): As films from a child’s perspective goes, the empire of the sun remains my absolute favorite. This one fell flat and I neeeeeeded more historical context. Here I go digging for more Irish history films/documentaries.
Please send recommendations my way. The Wind that Shakes the Barley is my all time favorite which had me bawling multiple times, but I don’t recall any others on the subject, especially post WWII.
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April 21, 2024
Liked ♥︎.Like? The Master (2012): ummmm? According to the synopsis I was supposed to like this film but I don’t at all. Was just waiting for it to end.
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April 20, 2024
Liked ♥︎.Like? Maniac (TV Mini Series 2018‑2018): “He acted like a friend.”
I have some complaints but they’re overall negligible. I have an inkling that the bits I don’t like were not in the original but solely added for the Americanization.
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April 20, 2024
Liked ♥︎.Like? Made and gave out another batch of @muanbakes bread. 🥨🥖
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April 19, 2024
Liked ♥︎.Like? Spring 2024 🎵.
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April 18, 2024
Liked ♥︎.Like? Remember the sleep analysis session I said I was gonna do? I did it. They told me the report would be out in 2 weeks. I asked for a specific date but they wouldn’t give one to me and instead just told me to just make a doctor’s appointment in 2 weeks.
I did that. I waited in line for about an hour. Only to be told that the report isn’t ready yet.
I said OK, made another appointment, and went home.
That was last week. I wonder if I should have been more bothered by that. But what do I gain from reacting?
Anyways. In my Apple Health state of mind log, my mood is 70% “indifferent” and 30% “drained.”
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April 15, 2024
Liked ♥︎.Like? Baby Reindeer (TV Mini Series 2024‑ ): can relate on many different levels from different perspectives.
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April 14, 2024
Liked ♥︎.Like? It felt very toxic and I hated it
I would have dropped the boxes of blueberries and stumped on them if I wasn’t concerned with how others would perceive me and that I’d have felt obligated to clean it up
I held onto them, finished the chitchats, and walked back homeYou wouldn’t understand
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April 14, 2024
Liked ♥︎.Like? CW
I wonder how many accidents were actually a depressed person’s lucky break out of this life. Final Destination with a twist. -
April 13, 2024
Liked ♥︎.Like? Another step towards my old spinster future: I like rocking chairs now.
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April 9, 2024
Liked ♥︎.Like? Therapy notes:
- No use feeling guilty for a situation I was forced into
- Debatable that if all things end it is preferable that they end earlier than later
- Self-fulfilling prophecy is a form of control when it comes to the uncontrollable
- 0 days
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April 4, 2024
Liked ♥︎.Like? If I ever feel better, remind me to spend some good time with you. You can give me your number. When it’s all over I’ll let you know.
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April 3, 2024
Liked ♥︎.Like? You might have heard about a huge earthquake in Taiwan today. The biggest since 1999 (I slept through that one). I am safe. My apartment is fine, and it seems like all my neighbors and their apartments/buildings are good too.
There’s likely going to be potentially bigger aftershocks and it will be raining for a few days. Hope all get rescued in time.
For me I am personally not too concerned cause 橫豎都是命 🙃 so don’t worry too much. Stay safe out there my friends in Taiwan.
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April 1, 2024
Liked ♥︎.Like? I get more isolated as each day go by. It is the logical thing to do, but I am not feeling good.
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March 27, 2024
Liked ♥︎.Like? Throw back to everything breaks I just had 8 outdated(brunt) halogen bulbs replaced with LEDs. Like this note to pat me on the shoulder.
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March 27, 2024
Liked ♥︎.Like? A total shot in the dark I booked an appointment with different psychiatrist in order to get sleep analysis at their specific hospital. As I recited my history of insomnia, depression, and the list of meds I’ve been on, the psychiatrist’s reaction was a pure “fuck, that must have been tough af” and that alone is really all I need. Not “have you tried X/Y” “how about you do more of Z” BS, but an assumption that I must have done all I could because of the severity of the conditions.
If life was D&D I have a lucky trait that’s for sure.
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March 25, 2024
Liked ♥︎.Like? Ask your friends to set you up with someone, and find out just truly what they think of you.
—
I did not enjoy this experience and do not endorse this message.
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March 24, 2024
Liked ♥︎.Like? Having a private lawn is so weird.
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March 23, 2024
Liked ♥︎.Like? The topic of the therapy session this week is: why didn’t I get closure at the end of things? I thought the materialistic rewards would help but they didn’t. I needed something more, or something else. I needed to know that the decade of harm and misplaced trust amounted to something more. And turned out they did. It’s all in the XP I gained. At least I leveled up. There won’t be a next time.
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March 23, 2024
Liked ♥︎.Like? My insomnia has leveled up and now I wake up perhaps 3-8 times a night. This morning I stopped sleeping, stood up, fell face forward onto a protruding corner of a wall, and am now rocking a big cheekbone bruise.
Don’t worry. I am making an appointment to get a monitored sleep session at a hospital to see wtf is wrong with me.
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March 22, 2024
Liked ♥︎.Like? My 70 yo building manager who speaks a bit German tried to set me up with his son today.
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March 22, 2024
Liked ♥︎.Like? Dimension 20 Fantasy High Junior Year is like playing Saboteur the board game with my cat sitter friend who uses all her tunnel cards to build a cool route she likes and then blocks it.
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March 21, 2024
Liked ♥︎.Like? 為我好？
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March 20, 2024
Liked ♥︎.Like? Bought a mirror and took a critical hit on confidence. 🙃
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March 20, 2024
Liked ♥︎.Like? My 70 yo building manager spoke German to me today when I mentioned I will be going to Berlin for a bit. His sister lives in Vienna and is a professor. 😮
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March 20, 2024
Liked ♥︎.Like? Went back to my old personal trainer after trying out other people and he gloated.
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March 19, 2024
Liked ♥︎.Like? My therapist said to strive to only stop when I need to, and not when I want to.
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March 18, 2024
Liked ♥︎.Like? Learning a third language with my second language is actually pretty cool because it reminded me that I was capable of learning all these words in my first and second languages already. It’s gonna be hard and will take a long time but is totally doable… richtig?
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March 15, 2024
Liked ♥︎.Like? Dimension 20 Fantasy High Sophomore Year is so sweet & romantic. Almost in love. These teenjergers.
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March 9, 2024
Liked ♥︎.Like? German tutor: I think we can start lesson 3 today. Unless you’d like to read through these last pieces of exercises for Formular Information?
Me: That should be quick I think? I just want to make sure my pronunciation is decent.
Tutor: Sure!(One hour later)
Tutor: OK so lesson 3 next week. 😅
Me: (still can’t pronounce “verheiratet” consistently)
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February 24, 2024
Liked ♥︎.Like? it’s currently 1:49 AM. I just woke up and no reason. About two weeks since I have started sleeping on a two hour interval. I am so tired.
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February 23, 2024
Liked ♥︎.Like? trying new stuff: biweekly german lessons, weekly pretzel baking, daily drawing, vegan for a month
made shakshuka with rice without eggs today. it has been ages since I last cooked a meal that isn’t just soup.
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February 22, 2024
Liked ♥︎.Like? I don’t remember the last time I felt this stress-free yet insomnia persists. “I am gonna chill for the foreseeable future.” I said to a friend.
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February 22, 2024
Liked ♥︎.Like? romance is debilitating.
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February 19, 2024
Liked ♥︎.Like? Slow Horses (TV Series 2022‑ ): took me forever to get into this and I finished it so quickly :(
me: Sophie Okonedo looks much older in the show.
friend: Bad styling/role?
me: I don’t mean old as a bad thing. She looks cool af. I aspire.
friend: Ah. She played a lot of bad bitch roles. Kristin Scott Thomas is great too. I saw her in theater once actually playing a crazy lady. (also a compliment) -
February 18, 2024
Liked ♥︎.Like? “Animals prefer to be alive.”
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February 17, 2024
Liked ♥︎.Like? maybe I should start drawing
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February 15, 2024
Liked ♥︎.Like? Dirty John (TV Series 2018‑2020): lol families. people really do have shitty therapists. compared to John these moms are so much shittier. gaslighting by your family is so much worse than by a stranger.
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February 15, 2024
Liked ♥︎.Like? just go through the motions
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February 14, 2024
Liked ♥︎.Like? Unbelievable (TV Mini Series 2019‑2019): A difficult watch. We are so tired.
Why aren’t you full with rage like we are? (rhetorical)
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February 13, 2024
Liked ♥︎.Like? what happens when you stop screaming?
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February 12, 2024
Liked ♥︎.Like? life rn: imitate a cat
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February 12, 2024
Liked ♥︎.Like? kinda… happy?!
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February 9, 2024
Liked ♥︎.Like? met a new masseuse who without prompt, explained everything she was going to do and was doing to me.
yes it’s you. it’s you I want to be with forever. I just want to understand.
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February 8, 2024
Liked ♥︎.Like? I need to learn to edit my words, my home, my social life, and my thoughts. Speak more succinctly, live more sustainably, emote with more reservation, and think with clear intentions.
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February 7, 2024
Liked ♥︎.Like? one day of unemployed muan did 4 months worth of chores
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February 6, 2024
Liked ♥︎.Like? I think I figured out my therapist’s trick. she always asks “what about sacrificing yourself just a little bit more?” “and a bit more?” until I reach the fuck no point. and she will roll all the way back and say “cool now that we know where you draw the line, how do we draw the most comfortable line?”
today we found out my line of comfort is to exert close to zero effort in maintaining this particular relationship we were talking about. and my next step is to make that clear to the other person.
try it???
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February 6, 2024
Liked ♥︎.Like? The only newsletter I subscribe to and read is Dept. of Enthusiasm by Jez. I promise no content of such quality by the way. If I do I would never send anything out. Some of you might have subscribed to my last attempt… and received no newsletters in the last 5 years.
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February 6, 2024
Liked ♥︎.Like? RSS readers make me want to jump into a vat of acid! by Keenan
I never really read all the feeds I subscribe to. What I do read though is personal newsletters. Perhaps I should start doing newsletters.
At the end of the day to all of you, I want you to enjoy my website because I love websites and I enjoy making it and continue to improve it. It’s a shame that RSS readers take away my personality.
Newsletter on the other hand would really just serve as a reminder to be like time to heyyyyyy check out my site?
Like this note if you’d subscribe, thanks. :))))
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February 6, 2024
Liked ♥︎.Like? everything breaks and I don’t have time to fix them so I accept this reality and eventually I break as well
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January 31, 2024
Liked ♥︎.Like? How magical it is to have motivation
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January 31, 2024
Liked ♥︎.Like? me: you still like me after knowing all these? there’s something seriously wrong with you. boy bye.
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January 30, 2024
Liked ♥︎.Like? when one of us sleeps, the other one survives another day, and then we rotate shifts
my 12-hour timezone away friend ♡
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January 30, 2024
Liked ♥︎.Like? my skin is asking for a new tattoo but the next queued subject is either code related or cat related, and the latter is blocked on me not having cats. can’t think of what code related things I’d put on my skin that is not literal code though.
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January 28, 2024
Liked ♥︎.Like? Friend: I wish I could make you soup 🥺
I made soup for myself on behalf of my friend. 🫶🏼
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January 27, 2024
Liked ♥︎.Like? BEEF (2023 season 1): Finally watched this because I was spoiled about the opening. Alas, are people not stressed enough in their own lives? this is like playing unpacking and not entertaining at all. Everything is too fucking real.
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January 26, 2024
Liked ♥︎.Like? some positives :3
- I have some really nice friends who care deeply about me and I do them too.
- I still play squash weekly wherever possible.
- I have taken up knitting since around the holiday (again) and found it to be a good commute activity. don’t ask me what I am knitting because it’s the act not the outcome that matters.
- regularly taking my meds and have a healthy relationship with my therapist (aka whenever I am troubled I do reach out to them and other times I process and take notes in preparation for the next session).
- I’m trying to make plans for the future because I think having things to look forward would help.
- I am hanging on.
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January 26, 2024
Liked ♥︎.Like? Everyday I hope the cat distribution system would have taken pity on me already.
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January 26, 2024
Liked ♥︎.Like? Grateful I asked for help and received help.
It’s not all bad.
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January 25, 2024
Liked ♥︎.Like? Grateful for “I miss you”s.
Grateful for hearty hugs.
Grateful for real feelings expressed. -
January 24, 2024
Liked ♥︎.Like? growing up sucks in ways like I now have to read the fine prints and find out that cold meds can’t be mixed with SSRIs?!
growing up is awesome in ways like I now know more about what I want. for example musky perfumes are my jam and occasional breaks from hyper independence is perhaps the best gift someone can give me.
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January 24, 2024
Liked ♥︎.Like? RISA: I think we need to at least stand up.
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January 23, 2024
Liked ♥︎.Like? The price I pay to keep my many pillows.
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January 22, 2024
Liked ♥︎.Like? I can’t remember the last time I had a lucid nightmare, let alone few days in a row. Was the hotel haunted or is my new med schedule fucking me up?
Had another dream today that was very connected to the reality, but it was just complete anxious nonsense.
In REM sleep we trust???
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January 19, 2024
Liked ♥︎.Like? Nightmare galore lately. Literally shout myself awake.
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January 19, 2024
Liked ♥︎.Like? One nightmare after another. I think that’s enough sleep for tonight.
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January 19, 2024
Liked ♥︎.Like? Risa and I: Girls Just Want to Lie on the Grass
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January 18, 2024
Liked ♥︎.Like? Risa: Last time I visited Melbourne, I stayed in a cabin, I ate fish and chips. I was bored. I listened to KoRn.
My friends and I just vibe.
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January 16, 2024
Liked ♥︎.Like? CW: depression/suicide/family
long story short, after evading my family for more than a month for my mental health, I finally caved due to the pestering and was told that 1. I don’t have a strong bound with them because I chose to leave Taiwan (first suicide attempt) 2. I could have stayed and be happy if only I wasn’t so weak (second suicide attempt) 3. my bro stills thinks I am fat and ugly and the selfie I posted for voting must have been heavily edited since I’m fugly IRL; he who also said I was so ugly that I need not to go out and scare people since I was 10 and that it’d be hard pressed for me to ever find love just a few years ago. Supposedly I am to accept this as their unique expression of love? Is this what love can look like? Anyways I held their hand, smiled, and said I am doing my best, and please just give me space when I said I need it. -
January 16, 2024
Liked ♥︎.Like? Apple Health not letting me log before sleep pills past midnight with ease motivates me to sleep before midnight the most. Feature not a bug? Big if true. (I forgot if I had posted this already.)
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January 16, 2024
Liked ♥︎.Like? We are just two women texting each other “TRIBE?” and “TRIBE!” back and forth.
Don’t waste your time on someone who don’t “TRIBE!” back immediately.
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January 16, 2024
Liked ♥︎.Like? Nightmares made of abandonment, guilt, and shame.
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January 15, 2024
Liked ♥︎.Like? Indifference kills.
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January 11, 2024
Liked ♥︎.Like? I just want to cancel everything.
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January 7, 2024
Liked ♥︎.Like? I rot
Grateful friend fly
See me
I get help -
January 5, 2024
Liked ♥︎.Like? Grateful for a real talk.
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January 2, 2024
Liked ♥︎.Like? Grateful for the moment of serenity as I laid on the squash court looking at the fluorescent lights on the ceiling focusing on stabilizing my breaths.
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January 1, 2024
Liked ♥︎.Like? can’t remember the last time I was organized and on top of my shit
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January 1, 2024
Liked ♥︎.Like? Grateful for jujubes.
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December 31, 2023
Liked ♥︎.Like? Grateful for refilled restricted pills that were on back order just in time.
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December 31, 2023
Liked ♥︎.Like? even in baldur’s gate 3 I end up single
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December 30, 2023
Liked ♥︎.Like? Today I am grateful that I told someone who checked in on me to just please leave me alone and they did.
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December 30, 2023
Liked ♥︎.Like? I’m grateful that my knee stopped hurting and my head can turn without pain now unlike the me from last week
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December 28, 2023
Liked ♥︎.Like? I am grateful that I met a really sweet and kind pharmacist after I postponed refilling my prescription for way too long.
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December 28, 2023
Liked ♥︎.Like? two women being homebodies playing a video game together on the opposite side of the world and she went to answer the door and I literally heard “a fire inspector guy” came into her apartment and said “oh men would pay a lot of money to watch women play games you know that?” then gosh woman time to exchange safety protocols.
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December 28, 2023
Liked ♥︎.Like? watering my plants when my dehumidifier beeps: “gather up plants, free water, anyone?”
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December 28, 2023
Liked ♥︎.Like? 0 days
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December 27, 2023
Liked ♥︎.Like? love delegating to a trusted lawyer cause now all I do is just wait for info and “sounds good to me, thanks” out of sight out of mind
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December 27, 2023
Liked ♥︎.Like? Imagine if I had expectations and how disappointing the reality would have been perceived
This is fine
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December 24, 2023
Liked ♥︎.Like? don’t rub your happiness in my face thanks
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December 22, 2023
Liked ♥︎.Like? If light is the symptom, then darkness is the cure.
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December 22, 2023
Liked ♥︎.Like? I’m in a total honeymoon phase of a new friendship. We have talked so much since we got to know each other that we are both now hoarse. Freaking love it.
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December 19, 2023
Liked ♥︎.Like? poor sleep and diet
my skin is rotting -
December 19, 2023
Liked ♥︎.Like? remember to do your duolingo for the day
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December 14, 2023
Liked ♥︎.Like? Here is my too weak notice.
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December 12, 2023
Liked ♥︎.Like? friends suggested that I start a gratitude journal to make life more bearable because it helps lowering the threshold of what is considered something to be happy for.
and once again I got stuck in the loop of “if this is what it takes I really would rather X” despite the fact that I am not capable to X. so I guess I need into get into gratitude journaling?
the world is freaking crumbling though. to be grateful for the smallest things seem futile in the face of overwhelming grieve and suffering.
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December 12, 2023
Liked ♥︎.Like? woke up feeling like I got hit by a car. fun.
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December 11, 2023
Liked ♥︎.Like? A friend today started bawling on the street as she listened to me talk about my life… “you are… carrying… such heavy burdens (sobs).” I felt bad to bring her down but also glad to have been given the permission to feel defeated. I’d love to cry to if I could, daily.
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